Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I am thinking of....

I am thinking of changing the title of my blog, although I have always thought it would be a clever title. I don't want to be a misanthrope-- not even occasionally. I think that for someone to lack faith in humanity as a whole, they must have a lot of hurt buried deep in their hearts. I don't want to be that person.

This will be a short post, but to the point. I wonder if it's possible to just let it all go. Let go of all the hurt, pain and memories that have caused me to be an occasional misanthrope. "They" say that you can forgive, but you can never forget and I wholeheartedly believe that. The problem is: I have a ridiculously good memory, and there are some things that just need forgetting.

For me, this week has been one of the toughest and one of the most enlightening; and today I am going to try to let go of it all. I thought I had coined a new term when I came up with "debilitating nostalgia;" --memories that flat out knock me down and out, refusing to let me move forward. A smell, a sight, any trigger--and I was overcome. Then I read an essay by Freud on Melancholia. My term has already been coined- and by Freud himself. I am not an absolute Freudian. I disagree with many of his theories; but when I read this essay, I think he really hit the nail on the head. Anyway, my point is that there is a lot of hurt, and it is so insanely deep. I have lost something and I don't know what. I don't want to feel that way anymore--so I am letting it all go. I think that many people feel similar feelings, otherwise I wouldn't share such a personal story.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.