A life without moderation

This September our children turned six and three years old, respectively. I tend to get carried away when planning birthday parties, (a subject that deserves it's own blog post), so this year I made a conscious effort to keep things simple. In some ways I succeeded, and in some I failed. I wanted to celebrate their lives, rather than getting caught up in all of the hoopla that accompanies a child's birthday party.

Haley's favorite pastime is hanging out at the beach. Toss some friends into the mix, add a bonfire, throw in the ingredients for s'mores and you've got Haley's utopia. I didn't bother with a BBQ, because that would have been a lot of work. Instead we played games, danced to some awful (oops, I mean fun, music), and hung around the fire roasting marshmallows with our closest family and friends. It sounds simple enough, but it was enough to give me an anxiety attack.....so many little details involved in making her birthday just right. We didn't go overboard with gifts, for once. We stuck to our guns and got her one nice gift, rather than many gifts.

Same thing for Sam. He got to plan his own party this year. His specific requests were: family only, mac'n'cheese, watermelon and a sword-fight. We stuck to his plan, and it was honestly the best party ever. He got to do all of the things a three-year old boy likes to do, and I didn't have the stress of supervising a bunch of kids or entertaining their parents. We also bought Sam a few of his favorite things for his gift: two matchbox cars, a few bags of marbles, and some plastic dinosaurs and bugs. We kept his gift under $30 total, and he didn't know the difference. More isn't always better.

It is so nice of everyone to get the kids thoughtful gifts, but this year it was a little out of control. They received so much stuff that they couldn't even keep track of who got them what. I am not complaining about people's generosity and thoughtfulness at all; but what I am saying is that maybe tons of gifts aren't necessary. On the same tip, were aren't even into October yet, and there is already talk of Santa Claus and more presents. I do not want to raise children who think they need possessions in order to be happy. I want them to appreciate the people who come to their parties more than the gifts that arrive with them.

I think the overabundance of gifts this year was a good thing in a sense, because it really pushed me to have a talk with Haley about how fortunate she is to have what she does. The day after her birthday, we were laying in bed talking about all of her nice things she got, and I suggested that for Christmas, maybe we should only ask for half of the amount of stuff we normally do- and the other half, we should wish for a less fortunate child to get instead. I really wasn't sure how she'd react; I mean, she is six after all, and what six-year old doesn't like to have lots and lots of new toys??? We discussed the local Toys For Tots program, the international program "Smile Train," and "World Vision." Haley decided she wanted her "big gift" this year to be a sponsorship to World Vision, so we decided to look into it further.

When we sat down together in front of the computer and looked up World Vision, we got really excited. She got to pick whether she wanted to sponsor a boy or girl, what age, and factor in similar interests between herself and her new friend. She chose a little girl who was born on her birthday, and who likes to draw and do math. She thinks it's amazing that there is a little girl somewhere across the world, with the same interests, same birthday, whose favorite subject is also math! Each profile comes with a description of the child, their family, and their living and health conditions. Researching the children opened up a dialogue about what it means to live in poverty, what those children have to live without, (things we all take for granted everyday), and what our small monthly donation would give them.

We noticed that half of the kids from that program don't attend school because it's not available and/or they can't afford it. Many of them do not have clean drinking water. Lots of them have dirt floors in their houses. We live such a cooshy life over here in the U. S. of A.; taking for granted our clean water, never having to listen to hungry tummies, and we are disappointed when the last of our 25 gifts have been opened, and there aren't any more. I am really hoping that Haley, our kind and sweet and empathetic Haley, loves this experience. I hope that as a family we can start to live more moderately, and without the need for more, more, more.

Maybe this is a start.

Sunday Blues

Decades of searching, picking up treasures, smelling the flowers and watching them whither. Such a tedious process, seemingly endless. I thought I had figured it all out. Learned how to dance without being too self-conscious, how to chime into a conversation with license behind my words, and how to feel less uncomfortable in my skin. It's funny (not really funny) but painfully odd, how quickly all of that can change. Painfully odd, how self-assured one can feel for such a brief period before shrinking back into nothing.

Honesty is the Best Policy: Says Who!?!?

wait... is this the best idea?

When I was a kid, I remember my father's biggest rule was that we never lie. Telling the truth is important! Now, twenty five years, one husband, and two kids later, I wonder about this "truth" and how much we should be following it.

Sure, I want my kids to tell us the truth. Without it, how do we properly gauge a situation and decide what is right or wrong? I guess it all depends on the magnitude of truth. If we demand it, are we sure we are willing to hear it? What about white lies? When are they okay? I think I've used them in the past for the benefit of others. I specifically remember a time when I was fourteen years old. One of my parents asked me a question and assured me that they wouldn't be mad if I told the truth.....so I told the truth. Big mistake. I guess it wasn't the truth they wanted to hear. I guess I should have stuck with an altered truth...a white lie...just enough information so that no one would get hurt.

It's been something I've been grappling with lately. Is the truth always the best route? Why do people tell the truth when they know it is only going to hurt someone else? My logic, and please, please, please tell me if I am wrong, is that people unload the truth on others as to unburden themselves of guilt. This sense of guilt or shame eats away at them, and so in doing the "right" thing and being honest, they tell the truth. So is honesty the best policy, or is it just plain selfish?

As a self-proclaimed Occasional Misanthrope, I tend to be cynical at times. At this particular time, I am feeling cynical about honesty as well as it's proponents. I mistrust it's motives. What a conundrum. Honesty? A white lie? Lying? Who really benefits from honesty??? A "friend" of mine decided one day to be honest with me. I learned what a terrible person I have always been from her perspective. In being honest, was she doing me a favor? Considering the way I felt afterwards, I would argue against it. Just saying. Honesty-shmonesty.

And That's When Something Phenomenal Happened

As a kid I remember adults constantly asking, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I recall many of my answers, always different depending on the day; but some of them included the professions of dentist, lawyer, doctor, Olympic swimmer, teacher, mermaid, marine biologist and a baker. If I remember correctly, my responses were always met with amusement and followed with the canned answer: "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up!" I don't remember how I felt about that exactly, but it was somewhere in the middle of 'that's what people always say' and 'of course I can!'

I sincerely wonder at which point in my life I stopped believing that I could truly "be" whatever I wanted to "be." I cannot remember. For about the first six years of your life people encourage you to be outgoing, confident, and to chase your dreams. Somewhere soon thereafter the child is encouraged not to think too highly of themselves, because that is arrogant and conceited. I am guessing it is during this transition that children become confused and begin to think that there are restrictions to what they can and cannot accomplish. How very sad.

After a decade of community college (most of which was half-assed and coerced), and many menial positions as a secretary, file clerk, and coffee brewer; something clicked with me internally. Let me quickly say that I genuinely believe that ALL jobs are important, but those positions were just not fulfilling for me. I felt like I was wasting my life. I felt like I had more to offer than that. I felt a little bit (okay, a lot) of insecurity knowing that most of my peers had their University degrees and I did not. I found myself keeping quiet during conversations when I had something to say, afraid that I lacked the license to contribute my two cents. Alas, I had already gotten married and had children so it was too late to finish college and pursue a career in something I felt passionate about; right? Wrong.

It was shortly after our daughter's third birthday when I had what some might call an epiphany. I was talking with her about what kind of job she thought she'd like to have when she grew up. She said, "I want to make coffee drinks just like you!" It was cute and it was sweet, but she is a tremendously bright girl with the potential to do anything. ANYTHING. It was then and there that I began to wonder why I failed to have enough confidence in myself to pursue my true interests. When I told her "you can be anything you want to be if you work hard for it," I truly meant it.

And that is when something phenomenal happened.

In that instant I started to believe it not only for my children, but also for myself....for the first time ever. I knew deep down in my heart that if I wanted my daughter and son to chase their dreams and interests, then I would have to do it myself. More importantly though, I believed for the first time that I deserved it. I started listening to the advice and confidences I offered to my children, and began to offer them to myself as well.

A month later I re-enrolled at the local community college. Low and behold, I was one (yes one- as in a single) unit away from receiving my Associates Degree, making me eligible for a transfer agreement to UCSC. I knew it would be difficult being a full time student while raising a newborn and a preschooler, all the while maintaining a home (aka, "re-entry student"), but I finally had the drive and determination that I had lacked for so long. More importantly, I finally had the confidence. I listened to to the words I told my children and I applied them to myself.

I graduated in a year and a half with a Bachelors degree in Literature- a subject I have always loved. The English language lacks the words to describe how amazing I felt when I graduated with three different kinds of honors. I felt even more amazing when I got my dream job two months later as a writer and editor. And now? Every single time that I tell our children that they can be anything they want to be in life, as long as they try their hardest and believe in themselves....well, now I know it is true.

I guess what I am trying to say here, is that when you bestow your children, friends or loved ones with words of encouragement, always know that you are equally deserving of those words.

The Best Decision We Ever Made

I remember so vividly the day Kevin and I decided that we wanted to have a baby. We had been married for about a year and a half, were living in San Francisco and were merely babies ourselves at the tender age of twenty-four. We were on the Geary bus when I nervously brought the subject up, fearful that he'd shoot it down once again. I could barely contain my excitement when he replied without reservation, "O.K., let's do it!" I was excited, nervous, and my palms were sweating as we rode the over-crowded 38 MUNI bus headed towards Ocean Beach.

We were young, in love, and our biggest responsibility was taking care of our cat and making sure we got to work on time. We had only lived in San Francisco for a year and couldn't afford much, so we lived in the "Tender-Nob;" definitely not the place you want to raise a child. Although the apartment was nice, the view from the window was, well....colorful. Junkies shooting up, pizza men being chased by pimps (no kidding), fire engines roaring by every three minutes; all highly entertaining to watch at two o'clock in the morning but obviously not the ideal environment for a baby. We decided to move back to our beloved Santa Cruz, where kids rode their bikes to school with their surfboards in tow. Shortly thereafter we had found jobs, and were fortunate enough to live in "the beach house." We were excited and nervous knowing that we were making a HUGE decision that would change our lives forever, as I am sure everyone trying to get pregnant is.

Many people in our position wait until "the time is right," but we really believed that now was as good of time as any. We talked about how if we waited until we had enough money or owned a home, or any of the other prerequisites that "responsible" adults wait for, we'd be sixty years old before we had a child. Undoubtedly there were naysayers who thought that we were irresponsible for bringing a child into the world before we were "ready," but we were ready. It was sometime in January that we found out we were pregnant, and it was such an exciting time. I loved being pregnant and did everything by the book. I was not scared about the labor and delivery whatsoever; but I was suddenly scared to death about being someone's parent! Having a little person who is completely dependent on me was a daunting thought, but the fright always left as quickly as it came.

Fast forward five years and a second (wonderful surprise) child later: our lives have certainly seen it's share of uncertainty. Living with our parents during a terrible recession, colicky babies, sleepless weeks resulting in a semi-psychotic young mother; it was during these times when we thought, hmm.....maybe we should have waited until we were "ready." And then we come to our senses and remember that even if we'd been more financially prepared or owned a home of our own; having our children was well worth the worry, the mishaps, and even having to live with our (generous and understanding) parents while we got back on our feet. Stressful times to be sure, but an experience that all brought us closer as a family.

Today is Saturday. It is nine o'clock in the morning, and I've been awake for two hours. The 'pre-children me' would have easily slept in past noon, rolled out of bed for lunch and maybe gone back to sleep to rest up for a Saturday night bar crawl. As I write this, our children are playing a newly discovered game of marbles, Sam is wearing his Halloween costume from last year (it's August), and we are about to walk to the Farmer's Market for some delicious treats and fresh flowers. I am thirty-one years old, and our oldest child will start first grade next week. I am beginning an incredibly exciting job in two days, and my husband has worked his way into a fulfilling career that he loves. Everything has fallen into place despite our unpreparedness. We followed our hearts, ignored the warnings, and today I am grateful for these little people that have made my life worth while.

I am not sure why I decided to share this. I think that sometimes I am just so overcome with happiness that I can't keep it bottled inside. I am more in love with my husband than the day I married him and today we will watch our little children with amusement, knowing that we made the right decision six years ago. :)

Ice Cream really does cure the blues!

The day after I began this blog, my children requested that we go strawberry picking at our favorite berry farm. I was in a bit of a slump and wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day, or at most sit on the couch. Now for those of you with children, you know that they don't slow down just because you do. For those of you who don't have children, I will just say that they don't require any less attention or care just because of flu's or blues.

Around ten in the morning, we collected our baskets, put on our berry picking shoes, and sluggishly I drove the fifteen miles to Gizdich Ranch in good ole Watsonville, California. Before I knew it I was back in Mom-mode without a care in the world. We were in the sunshine, in a field of strawberries that were absolutely perfect for the picking and it was just the three of us.

Blues? Gone.

So now we have about seven pounds of fresh strawberries that will go bad in the next day unless we do something with them. Not even Sam can eat that many strawberries (and the kid can eat A LOT of strawberries). It has been at least a year since we've broken out the ice cream maker, so we decided that all we needed was a good recipe. Thanks to the ever-amazing world wide web we found one, and once the kids went to sleep I plopped myself down in front of the television and hulled about three hundred strawberries. An hour of alone time in front of the TV is nearly impossible to come by anymore, and it was just what I needed. I didn't watch anything good- I think I was actually watching an episode of "Hoarders," but sitting on the floor with a bucket of handpicked fruit in front of me, all alone, was pretty much heaven.

Right now, as I type, I am listening to the whirling of our ice cream maker and am patiently (yes, patiently) awaiting the fruits of our labor: homemade fresh strawberry ice cream. Such a simple task with such sweet rewards. The kids got out of the house and visited one of their favorite places, my blues were instantly gone, and now we have a delicious treat to share with friends after dinner tonight.

Moral of the story? Get outside and get your hands dirty. Create something, and enjoy!

I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT.

There is a burning question that I've had for decades now, and I fear may it may never be answered. The answer is not of great consequence, and if it were to be answered, it is unlikely that my life would be changed even in the most mildest of terms. Still, it is a question that comes to the forefront of my mind on occasion and I wonder what YOU think about it.

Here we go:

Meatloaf (the musical artist- not the cake-shaped dinner dish made of beef and ofttimes served with ketchup) did a song called, "I would do anything for love." Some would say it's one of the greatest songs of all time. I say it is quite arguably one of the worst songs of all time, but that is neither here nor there. So the question: what is the "that?" He sings so convincingly, "I would do anything for love....but I won't do that!" WHOA! What is he talking about? Disowning his mother at the request of his wife? Having a menage a trois? Killing an annoying co-worker? Or perhaps jumping off a really tall bridge (cause that's what everyone else did)? What is the "that," and has anyone every wondered this very thing themselves?

Here is the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GNhdQRbXhc

..let's discuss.